I hate coming up with titles

Im tired of being an adoptee!

I want to just give it back, take it away… deal with it some other day. 

Mostly I am just tired of being me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I don’t know if its normal, but I seriously just wish I didn’t have to deal with anything anymore.  I never chose to be alive, and I wish to give it back.

For once in my life, I wish I just knew what it felt like to be normal, to have normal parameters on life.  Normal parameters on family, normal parameters on who I am and where I belong. 

But I don’t, because of the miracle of f*ing adoption. 

I don’t actually belong anywhere.  I don’t actually fit into any hole. 

And damn I am so tired of being pissy.  I am tired of being in such weird moods all the time.  Yeah I know that has nothing to do with being adopted, but it happens anyway. 

My moods are so weird, so strong, and so freaking unpredictable.  I wish for the life of me I had a way to escape them, I wish there were some way to escape everything that runs through my mind at any given moment.  I don’t, I just don’t. 

Even my respite from the ordinary, my Dads house, I can’t escape all the realities that plauge me.  They refuse to go away, no matter how much they are ignored. 

Now, on top of everything else to deal with, I have a possible major health problem to worry about as well. 

Well just f*ing great, just what I needed.  One more thing to have to worry about, one more thing to deal with.  One more thing I am just going to sit here and ignore. 

One more thing to just get pissy about.  Grrrrr

Fear and Trust

How do you begin to let go of things you have held onto for years. 

How do you begin to let go of the fears, the strings, the struggles that are doing nothing but holding you back?

How do you begin to trust, when trust is the one thing you fear the most? 

I mean really, trust. 

That’s what it all comes down to isn’t it.  All my issues, all my fears, they all boil down to trust.  Trust in others, trust in myself. 

My Mama L. and I were talking, just about everything and I sort of realized that most of everything in my life comes down to one thing… trust… and my inability to do it. 

I have always had issues with trust, and I suppose for some, they would say its an adoptee issue… does seem to be.  Probably started with that, and went from there. 

I was such a little liar, always was, even as a kid.  Told stories pretty much since I could talk.  I learned over the years the value of honesty, but not before my trust in pretty much anything was ever destroyed.  No one trusted me, and I trusted no one, including myself. 

There has been so much in my life that has taught me not to trust, not to allow myself the little bit of luxury that allows two people to connect on a level that is so much more than the every day. 

Still even now, even though I know the value of honesty I still find it hard to trust anything, even my own self. 

I guess most of all I just don’t trust that I am worth it.  I don’t trust that I am worth all the things that I know I can be.  Its so silly, I know that.  Its so much easier for me to believe all the bad things, so much easier for me to say, oh yeah, I am just screwed up.  Instead of just admitting that I am different and there is nothing wrong with that. 

So what, I think differently, so what, my mind works in a different way than others do.  Yeah I have had my fair share of issues but that is so much different than this.  I have always known there was something different about me.  I guess it was just easier to think it was bad, wrong, stupid, silly… crazy. 

However, telling myself that its ok is easier said than done.  Letting go of all of the things inside, letting go of the walls, the things that hold me back. 

I don’t want to spend my life in fear, I don’t want to fear every new relationship I have, fear every new person I meet, fear connection, fear relationships. 

Fear life.

I even fear those who love me.  Even though I know deep down that its indestructible, I fear anyway.  

However, I know I need to let go of it… I know I do.  Its not needed, and I can’t live my life in fear. 

I just wish I knew some easy way to let it go, stop the fear, learn to trust. 

Love em anyway

Life as an adoptee…

Someone else can have it, because I just don’t want it anymore. 

Mostly I just wish the emotionalness of everything would just stop.  I know why it was impossible for me and my nmom to get along.  She doesn’t do emotion, and by nature this whole freaking thing is just tooo tooooo emotional. 

I am just too too emotional.  In all reality, I am going on eleven months now that it hasn’t stopped.  I wish I could take a break from the fact that I am a lost child.  I wish I could take back to the times when being an adoptee didn’t matter to me.  I can’t.  I just can’t, it will not go away. 

Everything is just so overwhelming, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breathe in months.  Now I just sit here, in my Dads house, my real Dads house, and I just wonder.  How the hell did I end up here.  What chances in life must we go through in order to end up in this situation, as I am sitting in right now.  I wish I knew how to make all the thoughts stop, I just can’t. 

I still just look at him, just look at him and keep saying in my head… this is him.  This is your Dad, this is where you belong.  The emptiness you had, this is it.  Its almost as if part of me just can’t believe it, can’t accept that its for real.  Can’t grasp the fact that this really is my life, I really am real, I really am here, and this really is my Dad.  Sometimes I just look at him, because I can.  Because I know, because he is there.  I wonder, what parts of me are him, and what parts of me aren’t.  I look like my mother, but I have a lot of him in my heart… of the two, I am glad I got his heart.  I love his heart, I just love him.  It still just doesn’t feel real!

It makes everything emotional, I am pretty good at not showing it, but its emotional none the less.  I am still trying to find the room to place it.  I so wish it were easy to place it. 

Yet I still feel like the lost child, its such a crappy feeling, I hate it.  Even though I am found, its different, it isn’t the same.  I am not a little girl anymore, no matter how much of one I feel like inside.  I am a grown up, I should be having grown up thoughts.  Those just don’t come.  They are locked up somewhere in my mind, just as the lost little girl was locked up somewhere so many years ago, just waiting for her acceptance letter to life.   Maybe because its just so hard to accept this all as real. 

Maybe because I am still afraid of that ball, that ball that could drop any second. 

My Mama L. told me to listen to a song, she told me that it made her think of me, and everything going on right now. 

Martina McBride’s Do it Anyway….

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love em anyway

At least I have my hope

God why does it have to be so hard?

Why were humans given the ability to love, when it freaking hurts so much. 

Why do we even have mothers… if they are just going to give us away?  If they are just going to leave because its easier than dealing with the pain?

Everything adoption is such a trigger to me right now.  I don’t even want to think about it, look at it, anything.  It hurts, it sucks and I am tired of it. 

I wish I was never adopted, most days I wish I had just never been born. 

Oh yes sure, I can be optimistic, but some moments are better than others.  Some moments I am perfectly ok with things the way they are.  Others I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. 

I don’t know what is so defective about me.  I don’t understand why it has to be so hard.  Why is it that everything has to be hard when it comes to love? 

I suppose that I am lucky, oh I am lucky.  I know this.  I have a family, I finally have a place where I fit.  I finally have a place that I truly call ‘home’ in every sense of the word.  Emotional most of all.  A place where I don’t feel like an outcast, like an inconvenience, like anything.  I just feel like me.  And me is just accepted. 

I am grateful, I am happy, happier than I could ever imagine being. 

But why does it take 24 years?  Almost 25. 

Almost 25.  I guess maybe thats where this motion is coming from.  My 25th birthday is in 23 days. 

I don’t even know if my nmom will be around to celebrate it with me. 

For the first birthday of my life, I know who she is, and I don’t even know if she is going to be there. 

For the first birthday of my life, I know who I am, where I came from, where I belong. 

25

A quarter of a century is a long time to not know your roots, to not know where you came from, or where you belong. 

A quarter of a century is a long time to have spent wondering, wishing for something different, and never quite getting it. 

I can just hope, that the next quarter of a century turns out better than these ones. 

In a lot of ways, I have a lot of hope.  I have found a family, where I belong.  I have found my faith, I have found myself. 

So perhaps it wont be so bad after all.  Doesn’t make it all hurt any less sometimes though. 

Hope doesn’t make the pain go away.

Welcome to my new space

Hi all!!  And welcome to my new space!  Please be patient with me while I organize and write 🙂  Talk to you soon. 

My old blog is still there… and the link to it is here A Moment In A Thought

Is reunion worth it?

The lovely Possum’s blog got me thinking today… Is reunion worth it. 

Is it? 

I can’t say that it isn’t.  But its hard… its freaking harder than Hell on earth. 

Especially when what seems so easy, turns into something that so much isn’t. 

My reunion hasn’t been easy, in fact, its been down right hard.  I think the worst thing about it is all the pain.  No one every told me that it was going to be this painful. 

Sure I had a clue, sure thats why I was so leery of just calling up my nmom and saying Hi.   It was nerve wracking… I understand why. 

At this moment, my nmom and I aren’t even speaking.  It is of my choice as much as it is just a sense of it needs to go to rest.  It needs to be at peace, and I, more than anything else, just need some time to breathe. 

I never imagined, even just a few months ago, that I would ever be able to walk away from anyone, much less her.  She is my MOTHER for god sakes!!!  My Mother, the woman who gave birth to me.  The woman who I love more than life in itself. 

And I walked away… and well, she walked away back. 

Can’t say that I blame her. 

I wish, a million times over, that I was somehow a better person, that I could somehow be someone else. 

That I could have somehow fit the person she wanted me to be.  Perhaps she thinks the same thing, perhaps not.  Unfortunately I don’t know. 

All I know is it is impossible to connect with someone who is unwilling to connect, and for me… it is impossible to have a relationship with someone who means so much to me on such a superficial level. 

Am I sad, oh hell yes.  More than I can even describe, I miss her more than I think I would miss oxygen sometimes.  But at the same time I feel this relief.  No more worries… no more wondering whether or not I am doing the right thing, whether or not I am saying too much, or saying too little.  Whether or not what I AM saying is in fact going to somehow create an argument.  Whether or not the arguments I create are the right ones. 

Needless to say, reunion for me hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake. 

The fact of it is, being in reunion brought on so many emotions that I don’t know if I was expecting, or ready to handle.  I suppose that I was ready, must have been, as I believe that God will not hand us more than we can manage, but handling all the feelings that came with adoption was certainly more than I expected! 

I wasn’t expecting to feel so much, I wasn’t expecting it to hurt to much.  Unfortunately emotions have created the mess that I now find myself in. 

On the flip side, I am lucky.  I am so damned lucky I can’t even begin to express.  Through the pain, through the suffering, through every tear that I have shed, I have finally found my place, my family. 

For every trial with my nmom, there has been triumph with my ndad.  I even inherited a mother… she likes to say by osmosis.  My Mama L.   She is quite amazing if I must say so myself. 

Of course there is always that fear… that crippling fear that I am learning to handle.  Something I am learning to put in its place, and trust in my instincts. 

Even my gifts… I have those as well.  My gifts I got from osmosis from my Mama L.  My empathy and my intuition.

So I have to say, is reunion worth it?  I don’t know… for me it has been something of an extreme learning experience.  In the past year I have grown, changed, and become someone I didn’t even know was possible.  I have discovered pieces of myself that have been missing for years, if I ever had them at all.  

For those looking to reunite, I only have one piece of advice. 

Be prepared… know that what you are searching for may not be what you find.  Whether you are looking for your mother, your father, you daughter or son.  You may find what you are looking for, and you may not.  I have learned from a great many stories, that so often, what we are searching for is not what we find. 

However, if you look hard enough, and deep enough within yourself, you may find something you never expected. 

Take from the experiences, the good, and the bad.  For they are all there… in the darkest of dark places, a window is open, even when every other door has been shut in your face.  You just have to look, sometimes harder than others. 

I wish for all that reunion was fair, that life was fair.  However, it just never seems to work out that way in the end. 

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