Blog on

Gosh I haven’t blogged in so long!!  Sometimes I get these things like running through my mind, and I go to write them, and for some reason they just won’t come out the way I wish them to.

Ah well, I suppose its writers block, bloggers block, something.

I have to admit sometimes I have this fear of blogging, this fear because at any moment, I could spit out a feeling, and it could be the wrong one, offend someone, or fuck something up.  Gosh I am tired of being afraid of screwing things up.  Fears are only as strong as we allow them to be.

I suppose I don’t blog because I don’t think about adoption much anymore… WOW I might have even convinced myself of that!!  HA HA.  Of course I think about adoption, adoption is a part of me that I suppose will just never go away.  It just isn’t something I obsess about.

Truth be told, I try not to obsess about much of anything.  More along the lines of try to get all my little ducks in a row so life can be the way I wish it to be.   If only it actually worked out that way.

My life?  Its actually been really great.  Being adopted then the subsequent findings of both of my biological parents has actually worked out for me as if it were laid in the cards by some higher power.  This feeling is so strong, its actually cemented (well almost) my belief in such higher power.  I suppose I don’t feel that there is any other way that this worked out the way it did.

I have my bmom… oh hell was that one roller coaster ride.  The two of us, I don’t really even know how to explain it.  I suppose I am just one of those people that wasn’t meant to mesh with women.  I have always related better to guys, and I suppose mothers should be no different on this, as I get along much better with both of my fathers than I do with both of my mothers.  However, even that front seems to be going much better now, on both accounts.  My amother and I are starting to have a relationship that resembles adult and civil.  She doesn’t treat me as a child anymore, lets me make my own decisions.  And well, since my little episode on mothers day (you will have to check my other blog for that one) we are actually getting along.

My bmom?  Ahhhh my Meemo.  Someday I suppose we shall fall into something, I suppose perhaps we are in it.  I suppose perhaps that works for me.  There are a great many days where I wish things were different.  But that would mean I would have to be different.  I guess my biggest hope for us is that she, one day, discovers the person I really am.  Not the person she assumes that I am.  I can’t guess, here, there, anywhere, how she really feels about me.  I realize, have realized, quite a long time ago actually that I allowed my feelings and emotions regarding the subject of adoption to get in the way of how I acted and reacted to her.  My philosophy is that isn’t all that crazy.  The nature of who she is and who I am is incredibly complicated, and emotions are bound to get in the way.  They did.  She, unlike me, is not an emotional person.  Perhaps someday she will see through the fronts she puts on me, the reasons, the excuses and see me, for nothing more or less than me.  Until that day, I will wait patiently in the sidelines.

That brings me to my Dad.  Oh how I love my Dad!  I spent most of my life believing that you have to make yourself happy, and no one can do it for you.  I have discovered that its true, but help doesn’t hurt.  I have never had anyone who looks at me like he does, holds on like he does.  I guess, at the end of the day, it comes down to one thing.  Unconditional love.  TRUE unconditional love.  I suppose I have never known it, at least not in this way.  I can’t even really explain it.  Just that he always loves me, no matter what, and SHOWS it, no matter what.  Doesn’t expect me to be anyone but myself, and makes me feel like that person is ok.  I suppose the biggest thing is that he understands the person that I am.  I used to hear the old saying about people bringing out the best in others.  My Dad does that to me, he brings out the best in me.  I like being the best in me.  He makes me smile, I suppose thats the most important thing of all, he makes me smile.

He has allowed me to drop so many of the pretenses that I have carried with me in life.  A lot of the fears and behaviors that I used as protection for so many years.

Basically he allowed me to find the person that I am.  And by accepting it, helped me to accept it too.

I realized how lucky I am.  Sure adoption kinda sucks, alright more than kinda.  But I got lucky, big time.   As in just over a year, I have really worked to discover the person that I am.  I am lucky, because I have a lot of years ahead of me to be… me.


Sandpaper skin

Sometimes I wish that I could just spit out everything perfect, and it would come out as exactly what I want to say.

However, most of the time I am not that good… a lot of this may not make a lot of sense, but its my blog, and I will write what I wish. 

Life is interesting, it truly is… sometimes, a great many times, I wish I didn’t have to live it.  Why?  Because I don’t particularly like it. 

For some reason, I was born an emotional person, I wish I could take it back, wish I could fix it, but I can’t.  My emotions rub on me like a coarse grained sandpaper would rub on an infants skin.  Most days I am just rubbed raw. 

There are many periods when I am happy, genuinly happy, and I think all is well and worth it.  However, life doesn’t always work that way for me.  I am not always happy… yeah who is right? 

I am, however, different from most.  My brain just works differently.  Its what makes me unique, what makes me me, what makes me the person that I am.  What adds to my charm.  It also adds to my faults.  I just don’t function the way most people do.  Will I ever?  I am not sure. 

I wish there was some magic answer.  Some magic answer to life, to my head, to my rubbed raw skin that feels pain stronger than most can even imagine.  Most days I would rather have the physical pain than the mental that I deal with. 

I am trying, despiratly, to be able to live with two other girls.  Two other women I should say, my bsister, and my Mama L.   It isn’t always easy, and well, I am very easily reminded of my faults and inabilities when it comes to living with others.  I havn’t done it in a long time… I have lived blissfully by myself for four years… and in no where but my own mind for years and years before that.  I don’t do well with others, I should own a shirt that says doesn’t play well with others, because I just don’t. 

And I miss them like crazy when they aren’t here.  Its amazing how you can realize just how lonely you were before, when you aren’t lonely anymore.  Amazing how you can remember what it feels like to be lonely while still surrounded by people.  Amazing the emotional capability of human beings.   I guess I just wish I could stop being afraid, and I wish I knew the answers on how to make it all perfect.  

I wish I knew how to stop the sandpaper… how to not be rubbed so raw.