A year ago today

A year ago today, my whole life changed. 

A year ago today, I heard the voice of the woman who gave birth to me… for the first time since she gave me away.

A year ago today, I picked up the phone, knowing that life would never be the same. 

A year ago yesterday, I got the email that changed my world… The email that gave me my roots, my place, my fit.

A year ago today, I made the phone call, sitting in a room full of sleeping children, and wondering just how much everything was going to change. 

Scared, nervous, exited, happy, sad… all in one moment.  Shaking, wondering, questioning, everything that I was, and everything that was to come.  Not knowing the outcome, not having a clue how the rest of it could possibly go.  I picked up the phone and dialed. 

Wondered if she would answer the phone, and she did. 

A year ago today, I found the woman who made me me.  The one who gave me my freckles, and my eyes and my smile.  The one who shared her genetics for short legs… her dislike of tomatoes, and that freakish way of eating chicken dipped in mayonnaise.  Who made me laugh, and cry, and question everything and every bit of who and what I am. 

The woman who made me me, who gave me my life, and gave me a chance. 

The reason that I am alive on this earth today. 

A year ago today…

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Life and the roads it takes us

Lately, I haven’t been so involved in the life that exists here in cyberspace.  I cannot explain why, I just suppose sometimes things change and life takes you away for a while. 

I am trying, very hard, to work out a lot of the different things in my life.  Its never easy, and it takes time.  

Adoption is still very much a part of my life, I suppose it always will be.  It makes up a part of who I am, and I have the families that I have because of it. 

However, it is as much a part of me as my left foot, and in all reality, I don’t spend much time thinking about my left foot, and I am trying to shy away from thinking too much about adoption and what that means to me. 

I was adopted, can I say I have 100% accepted it?  Probably not.  I don’t think I am that good.  However, I have come to a point, at least at this moment, that it doesn’t bother me too much.  I can find a place for those things and others that have caused me pain.  Can even be thankful for it at times, because I really have to wonder where I would have fit.  Because really now, I have found where I fit.  I have a lot of other things going on.  I have family, new and old, that I spend a lot of time with and devote much of my attention to.  I am going to be moving, I am going back to school, so many things in my life are changing… I don’t have much time to spend here anymore. 

At least for now. 

To my friends here…. and the forum… I miss you and think about you IRL and hope for the best for each and every one of you 🙂  You guys are the only ones who have ever really understood, the only ones I could talk to about a subject so difficult that only others who know what it feels like can understand.  I love you, and thank you.

Issues and Memories

I just got back from my birthday celebration with my amom. 

I wish things were different, I wish life were just easier. 

Being with my amom is just a huge trigger for me, it just is.  I wish I could love her, I wish everything would just be fine and dandy and I could forget my childhood and everything could be just fine, but I can’t. 

I wish I could make all the triggers I get when I am with her go away… but they just wont. 

I love my amom, but I don’t like her.  If life had turned out different, and she didn’t adopt me, our paths would probably have never crossed, but if for some reason they had, I can say with 100% certainty that she would not have been a person I would have liked.  I don’t like her, I just don’t.  Our personalities are nothing alike, WE are nothing alike.  We have nothing in common, nothing we share, nothing anything.  I just don’t like to spend time with her, why would I?  Who wants to spend time with someone they don’t like?

Being with her is emotionally triggering.  Especially being with her with anything food related. 

There are a lot of things I don’t talk about on this blog, a lot of things that went on in my childhood that I don’t speak of.  Not because they are terrible, but just because they are difficult issues for me.  

This is one of them.  Growing up, particularly after the abuse, I began to turn to food for comfort.  It was pretty much the only thing I had to comfort myself with.  That and creating an imaginary world that became my life, but we will talk about that later. 

My parents, refusing to have a daughter with any kind of weight problem, fought me and my sister tooth and nail about any kinds of foods that came into our house, or went into our bodies.  They, particularly my mother, became a rather drill sergeant type when it came to our bodies and what went into it.  There was constant picking, constant.  You can’t eat that, watch how much of that you put on.  You have had enough.  You can’t possibly be hungry now. 

Ketchup has calories you know. 

Everything eating became a battle.  She would get us up early in the morning and make us stand on the scale.  She would make us exercise before we ate breakfast in the mornings.  Would put us on diets, just to try to make sure that we never got overweight.  She stopped buying any kind of snack food, any kind of readily eatable foods really.  Anything she did buy, she hid.  She hid it because I would sneak it at night.  She even hid the bread, so I wouldn’t eat it. 

Parties, no matter where they were, who was having them, whatever, became hell.  It was constant, the picking was constant, if it wasn’t one parent, it was the other.

Food became the enemy, my body became the enemy.  Because despite their best efforts at making sure that I never gained weight, I did anyway.  

Being with her on any occasion that involves food, which is pretty much any occasion, is still extremely triggering for me.  She doesn’t really pick at me anymore.  Still will on occasion, ask me if I am going to eat all of something, or ‘you do realize how many calories is in there’.  I learned to ignore her, just let it go, or snip back with a comment of my own.   She still picks at my younger sister.  All throughout dinner… ‘remember the portions are big’ ‘don’t put too much cheese on there’ ‘ you have had enough, why don’t we get a box for the rest’ 

She thinks its innocent enough, but it makes me cringe, it makes me want to scream.  It makes me wish I could get my sister out of that situation. 

Then of course, we have the obligatory cake and ice cream back at her house.  With the obligatory walk down memory lane. 

Problem is, I don’t have a lot of memories. 

I had to learn, young, particularly because of the abuse, how to block out the world. 

Unfortunately, I got so good at it, that I just did it all the time.  I lived in a world that existed only to me.  Its only been within the last few years that I have come out of it. 

The problem with living in your own mind, you don’t have memories outside of it. 

I have always functioned fine… even having emotion.  I suppose its dissociation to the infinite degree… beyond auto pilot, beyond anything.  I just wasn’t ‘present’ for most of my life.  Therefore, I don’t have memories, clear ones anyway, from most of my life. 

We went on a ski trip to Colorado when I was about 16.  Very cool trip, as I love to ski.  One of the things we did was go dog sledding.  I have done lots of random things, comes with having an adventurous afather who will spend the money to try anything once.  One of those random things was dog sledding.  I had a sled, with a bunch of dogs, and my sister in the little sled thing… and thats that.  You basically did it yourself. 

My mother was going on and on all about this dog sledding thing.  How miserable I was, how much I hated it.  How I was wearing this goofy penguin hat.  All these details about this dog sledding trip.  I don’t remember it, I remember that we went dog sledding, but I don’t even remember if I liked it or not.  Apparently it was a not, but I don’t remember. 

Its extremely frustrating to me, because I wish I had these memories of my life, I just don’t.  So I nod and smile and go ‘oh yeah!  I remember that!’ when in all reality my mind just draws a blank. 

25 years of my life… and I don’t even remember what dog sledding was like.   

If you had told me

If you had told me a year ago… that I would have met my nmom, fallen completely in love with her, and had her stop contact with me all in the space of a year… I would have cried. 

If you would have told me that I would have spent the day after her stopping contact with me still standing, I wouldn’t have believed you. 

However, I am standing… not only am I standing, but I am ok.  Really, truly and honestly ok. 

I laughed today… not about her, but about something funny.  I allowed myself to live, I allowed myself to be sad, but I didn’t let it overcome me. 

I allowed myself to be afraid, but didn’t let it rule me. 

I allowed myself to be self destructive, last night, and only realized that I was destructing the only true thing I can count on.  Myself. 

My Mama L responded to my last post in a way that really made me think.  Made me think about my faith, and my trust in life.  I discovered that I do have the ability to trust, I do.  Sometimes I am too afraid to admit it, but I do have trust. 

I have faith, I have faith that all of this is happening for a reason.  Mostly, I would love to throw myself on the ground, have a damn temper tantrum about how absolutely unfair all of this is.  How nothing in my life ever seems to go right.

However, that accomplishes nothing. 

Perhaps this all did happen for a reason. 

If life were perfect with my nmom, I don’t know if and when I would have sought out my ndad… don’t know when I would have found him, and my Mama L. 

Life wasn’t perfect with my nmom, far from.  I knew, pretty much from the day I met her, that our relationship was going to be an interesting one.  I was hoping it was going to be interesting for the better, however, it soon turned out it was interesting for the worst. 

I didn’t like the way I felt when I was with her… I suppose that is a pretty good indicator of how things are if you get jumpy driving up to someones house… and not jumpy in a good way, but jumpy in a bad way.  If there is that feeling of dread, like oh s*$t whats gonna happen this time.  That feeling always made me nervous, which always made every other emotion within me jump to its feet. 

She cannot be anyone but herself, and I cannot be anyone but myself.   If that combination doesn’t work, than I suppose I will have to accept that it doesn’t work. 

It breaks my heart, I am grieving for something that just never was, something that I wanted to be there, and just couldn’t be. 

I suppose my Mama L is right… everything happens for a reason, and this has got to happen for a reason.  Surprisingly enough, I trust that. 

After all, I don’t get jumpy when I drive up to Dad and Mama L’s house… its my house too, its just home.  I don’t get scared that every word I say, or thing I do, is going to be scrutinized or judged.  I don’t fear that what I say or do is going to be wrong.  I don’t fear that I am going to lose them.  Sure I fear it… but I don’t.  I know, deep in my heart, I know, they aren’t going anywhere. 

I thought I couldn’t live without my nmom in my life.

I realized I can live quite well without all the fears. 

One side order of shoot me please

Why does everything have to suck?

Seriously, life sucks… people suck… people do things that fuck you up.  Next thing you know you are living in a hell, and guess what, the hell is your own mind.  

I get to live in my own personal hell.   I never, ever get to leave it.  I never, ever get to say… ok me, Im gonna take a vacation from myself now… be back in a few days.

I live in my own personal Hell.  I have for years now.  Its a culmination of everything that has happened to me in life.  Everything from my verbally abusive amother to my sexually abusive cousin, not to mention my best friends sexually abusive brother.. oh I have one of those too.   From being disliked in school, having my self esteem put into a shredder to the point where I couldn’t even recognize it anymore, to having just about no one, no friends, nothing at all.  It all made me the person that I am today. 

God damn it if I hate me. 

Yes I will admit it, I hate me… despise myself, more than anyone else on the face of this planet.  I hate me.  Trying to function when you hate the very person you are is tough. 

I don’t hate me nearly as much as I used to.  But hate me none the less… and why the hell not?  No one else seems to like me, why the hell should I bother? 

I talked to my nmom today.  I talked to her in hopes, in prayers, that we could come to something.  Am I stupid enough to think that something would be even close to rainbows and butterflies? Hell no.  I hoped I could talk to her.  I hoped I could email her about Lindsay Lohans latest stupid stunts… or about how my cat is still sick and I don’t know what to do. 

That I am scared shitless of whats going on medically with me.

Even just about the stupid things my bunny did today. 

Something… anything.  I miss her. 

Mostly I just didn’t want to spend my 25th birthday knowing who the hell she is, and what the hell my birthday means, but not with her. 

I’m not going to get my birthday wish this year. 

Funny that was one of the first things I thought of when I met her… I am actually going to get to spend my birthday with the woman who gave birth to me.  

And for the trillionth time, just sitting here wishing that I could be someone else… anyone else. 

Sitting here knowing that I have spent years in therapy, years working my ass off, trying to get better, trying to be better. 

Years and years just to discover that there are things I can change, and things I can’t.  I can’t be anyone but me. 

Unfortunately me is just a little too…. God I don’t even know.  I guess thats the worst part.  I don’t even understand what the hell is so freaking wrong with me that my own god damned mother can’t even stand to be around me. 

Don’t understand why the hell I manage to make so many mistakes through the midst of trying so hard NOT to make any. 

I guess the best things I can do is count my blessings, count the good things I have in life. 

I have my Dad, my Dad, my other pea in the pod.  My Mama L.  My sister E. all the things I inherited when I met my Dad.  The sense of security, of home, of love.  I count those blessings and think, alright, perhaps life isn’t that bad. 

But damn if it doesn’t hurt. 

I hate coming up with titles

Im tired of being an adoptee!

I want to just give it back, take it away… deal with it some other day. 

Mostly I am just tired of being me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I don’t know if its normal, but I seriously just wish I didn’t have to deal with anything anymore.  I never chose to be alive, and I wish to give it back.

For once in my life, I wish I just knew what it felt like to be normal, to have normal parameters on life.  Normal parameters on family, normal parameters on who I am and where I belong. 

But I don’t, because of the miracle of f*ing adoption. 

I don’t actually belong anywhere.  I don’t actually fit into any hole. 

And damn I am so tired of being pissy.  I am tired of being in such weird moods all the time.  Yeah I know that has nothing to do with being adopted, but it happens anyway. 

My moods are so weird, so strong, and so freaking unpredictable.  I wish for the life of me I had a way to escape them, I wish there were some way to escape everything that runs through my mind at any given moment.  I don’t, I just don’t. 

Even my respite from the ordinary, my Dads house, I can’t escape all the realities that plauge me.  They refuse to go away, no matter how much they are ignored. 

Now, on top of everything else to deal with, I have a possible major health problem to worry about as well. 

Well just f*ing great, just what I needed.  One more thing to have to worry about, one more thing to deal with.  One more thing I am just going to sit here and ignore. 

One more thing to just get pissy about.  Grrrrr

Fear and Trust

How do you begin to let go of things you have held onto for years. 

How do you begin to let go of the fears, the strings, the struggles that are doing nothing but holding you back?

How do you begin to trust, when trust is the one thing you fear the most? 

I mean really, trust. 

That’s what it all comes down to isn’t it.  All my issues, all my fears, they all boil down to trust.  Trust in others, trust in myself. 

My Mama L. and I were talking, just about everything and I sort of realized that most of everything in my life comes down to one thing… trust… and my inability to do it. 

I have always had issues with trust, and I suppose for some, they would say its an adoptee issue… does seem to be.  Probably started with that, and went from there. 

I was such a little liar, always was, even as a kid.  Told stories pretty much since I could talk.  I learned over the years the value of honesty, but not before my trust in pretty much anything was ever destroyed.  No one trusted me, and I trusted no one, including myself. 

There has been so much in my life that has taught me not to trust, not to allow myself the little bit of luxury that allows two people to connect on a level that is so much more than the every day. 

Still even now, even though I know the value of honesty I still find it hard to trust anything, even my own self. 

I guess most of all I just don’t trust that I am worth it.  I don’t trust that I am worth all the things that I know I can be.  Its so silly, I know that.  Its so much easier for me to believe all the bad things, so much easier for me to say, oh yeah, I am just screwed up.  Instead of just admitting that I am different and there is nothing wrong with that. 

So what, I think differently, so what, my mind works in a different way than others do.  Yeah I have had my fair share of issues but that is so much different than this.  I have always known there was something different about me.  I guess it was just easier to think it was bad, wrong, stupid, silly… crazy. 

However, telling myself that its ok is easier said than done.  Letting go of all of the things inside, letting go of the walls, the things that hold me back. 

I don’t want to spend my life in fear, I don’t want to fear every new relationship I have, fear every new person I meet, fear connection, fear relationships. 

Fear life.

I even fear those who love me.  Even though I know deep down that its indestructible, I fear anyway.  

However, I know I need to let go of it… I know I do.  Its not needed, and I can’t live my life in fear. 

I just wish I knew some easy way to let it go, stop the fear, learn to trust. 

Love em anyway

Life as an adoptee…

Someone else can have it, because I just don’t want it anymore. 

Mostly I just wish the emotionalness of everything would just stop.  I know why it was impossible for me and my nmom to get along.  She doesn’t do emotion, and by nature this whole freaking thing is just tooo tooooo emotional. 

I am just too too emotional.  In all reality, I am going on eleven months now that it hasn’t stopped.  I wish I could take a break from the fact that I am a lost child.  I wish I could take back to the times when being an adoptee didn’t matter to me.  I can’t.  I just can’t, it will not go away. 

Everything is just so overwhelming, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breathe in months.  Now I just sit here, in my Dads house, my real Dads house, and I just wonder.  How the hell did I end up here.  What chances in life must we go through in order to end up in this situation, as I am sitting in right now.  I wish I knew how to make all the thoughts stop, I just can’t. 

I still just look at him, just look at him and keep saying in my head… this is him.  This is your Dad, this is where you belong.  The emptiness you had, this is it.  Its almost as if part of me just can’t believe it, can’t accept that its for real.  Can’t grasp the fact that this really is my life, I really am real, I really am here, and this really is my Dad.  Sometimes I just look at him, because I can.  Because I know, because he is there.  I wonder, what parts of me are him, and what parts of me aren’t.  I look like my mother, but I have a lot of him in my heart… of the two, I am glad I got his heart.  I love his heart, I just love him.  It still just doesn’t feel real!

It makes everything emotional, I am pretty good at not showing it, but its emotional none the less.  I am still trying to find the room to place it.  I so wish it were easy to place it. 

Yet I still feel like the lost child, its such a crappy feeling, I hate it.  Even though I am found, its different, it isn’t the same.  I am not a little girl anymore, no matter how much of one I feel like inside.  I am a grown up, I should be having grown up thoughts.  Those just don’t come.  They are locked up somewhere in my mind, just as the lost little girl was locked up somewhere so many years ago, just waiting for her acceptance letter to life.   Maybe because its just so hard to accept this all as real. 

Maybe because I am still afraid of that ball, that ball that could drop any second. 

My Mama L. told me to listen to a song, she told me that it made her think of me, and everything going on right now. 

Martina McBride’s Do it Anyway….

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love em anyway

At least I have my hope

God why does it have to be so hard?

Why were humans given the ability to love, when it freaking hurts so much. 

Why do we even have mothers… if they are just going to give us away?  If they are just going to leave because its easier than dealing with the pain?

Everything adoption is such a trigger to me right now.  I don’t even want to think about it, look at it, anything.  It hurts, it sucks and I am tired of it. 

I wish I was never adopted, most days I wish I had just never been born. 

Oh yes sure, I can be optimistic, but some moments are better than others.  Some moments I am perfectly ok with things the way they are.  Others I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. 

I don’t know what is so defective about me.  I don’t understand why it has to be so hard.  Why is it that everything has to be hard when it comes to love? 

I suppose that I am lucky, oh I am lucky.  I know this.  I have a family, I finally have a place where I fit.  I finally have a place that I truly call ‘home’ in every sense of the word.  Emotional most of all.  A place where I don’t feel like an outcast, like an inconvenience, like anything.  I just feel like me.  And me is just accepted. 

I am grateful, I am happy, happier than I could ever imagine being. 

But why does it take 24 years?  Almost 25. 

Almost 25.  I guess maybe thats where this motion is coming from.  My 25th birthday is in 23 days. 

I don’t even know if my nmom will be around to celebrate it with me. 

For the first birthday of my life, I know who she is, and I don’t even know if she is going to be there. 

For the first birthday of my life, I know who I am, where I came from, where I belong. 

25

A quarter of a century is a long time to not know your roots, to not know where you came from, or where you belong. 

A quarter of a century is a long time to have spent wondering, wishing for something different, and never quite getting it. 

I can just hope, that the next quarter of a century turns out better than these ones. 

In a lot of ways, I have a lot of hope.  I have found a family, where I belong.  I have found my faith, I have found myself. 

So perhaps it wont be so bad after all.  Doesn’t make it all hurt any less sometimes though. 

Hope doesn’t make the pain go away.

Is reunion worth it?

The lovely Possum’s blog got me thinking today… Is reunion worth it. 

Is it? 

I can’t say that it isn’t.  But its hard… its freaking harder than Hell on earth. 

Especially when what seems so easy, turns into something that so much isn’t. 

My reunion hasn’t been easy, in fact, its been down right hard.  I think the worst thing about it is all the pain.  No one every told me that it was going to be this painful. 

Sure I had a clue, sure thats why I was so leery of just calling up my nmom and saying Hi.   It was nerve wracking… I understand why. 

At this moment, my nmom and I aren’t even speaking.  It is of my choice as much as it is just a sense of it needs to go to rest.  It needs to be at peace, and I, more than anything else, just need some time to breathe. 

I never imagined, even just a few months ago, that I would ever be able to walk away from anyone, much less her.  She is my MOTHER for god sakes!!!  My Mother, the woman who gave birth to me.  The woman who I love more than life in itself. 

And I walked away… and well, she walked away back. 

Can’t say that I blame her. 

I wish, a million times over, that I was somehow a better person, that I could somehow be someone else. 

That I could have somehow fit the person she wanted me to be.  Perhaps she thinks the same thing, perhaps not.  Unfortunately I don’t know. 

All I know is it is impossible to connect with someone who is unwilling to connect, and for me… it is impossible to have a relationship with someone who means so much to me on such a superficial level. 

Am I sad, oh hell yes.  More than I can even describe, I miss her more than I think I would miss oxygen sometimes.  But at the same time I feel this relief.  No more worries… no more wondering whether or not I am doing the right thing, whether or not I am saying too much, or saying too little.  Whether or not what I AM saying is in fact going to somehow create an argument.  Whether or not the arguments I create are the right ones. 

Needless to say, reunion for me hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake. 

The fact of it is, being in reunion brought on so many emotions that I don’t know if I was expecting, or ready to handle.  I suppose that I was ready, must have been, as I believe that God will not hand us more than we can manage, but handling all the feelings that came with adoption was certainly more than I expected! 

I wasn’t expecting to feel so much, I wasn’t expecting it to hurt to much.  Unfortunately emotions have created the mess that I now find myself in. 

On the flip side, I am lucky.  I am so damned lucky I can’t even begin to express.  Through the pain, through the suffering, through every tear that I have shed, I have finally found my place, my family. 

For every trial with my nmom, there has been triumph with my ndad.  I even inherited a mother… she likes to say by osmosis.  My Mama L.   She is quite amazing if I must say so myself. 

Of course there is always that fear… that crippling fear that I am learning to handle.  Something I am learning to put in its place, and trust in my instincts. 

Even my gifts… I have those as well.  My gifts I got from osmosis from my Mama L.  My empathy and my intuition.

So I have to say, is reunion worth it?  I don’t know… for me it has been something of an extreme learning experience.  In the past year I have grown, changed, and become someone I didn’t even know was possible.  I have discovered pieces of myself that have been missing for years, if I ever had them at all.  

For those looking to reunite, I only have one piece of advice. 

Be prepared… know that what you are searching for may not be what you find.  Whether you are looking for your mother, your father, you daughter or son.  You may find what you are looking for, and you may not.  I have learned from a great many stories, that so often, what we are searching for is not what we find. 

However, if you look hard enough, and deep enough within yourself, you may find something you never expected. 

Take from the experiences, the good, and the bad.  For they are all there… in the darkest of dark places, a window is open, even when every other door has been shut in your face.  You just have to look, sometimes harder than others. 

I wish for all that reunion was fair, that life was fair.  However, it just never seems to work out that way in the end.