Amother and me

I gotta admit, I am not really the greatest at this whole blogging thing.  Between just not having time to write, and just not knowing what to write about.  I guess the biggest is I just don’t feel comfortable sometimes that people are going to see some of the things I have to say.

I try not to think too much about being adopted, its a part of me that I cannot change, as much as I wish I could.  Yeah it sucks, pretty bad sometimes.  Its like being in perpetual motion and never really falling anywhere.  There really isn’t anywhere to grow your roots, and therefor it makes it difficult to really discover who you are as a person. 

I will admit, knowing my bio’s makes it a lot easier.  I can look at both of them, and really pin point where I get certain things from.  However, that isn’t a solve all either. 

Then it comes to the matter of my adoptive parents.  Particularly my mother.  I harbor a lot of really hard feelings against my mother.  I can’t help it, she has treated me like shit pretty much my whole life.  I can’t blame it entirely on her, the two of us, we just butt heads.  As I seem to do with pretty much any woman I have attempted to have a relationship with.  I just don’t do well with females aparantly. 

My amother and I have gotten into plenty of arguments, and each one leaves me as emotionally drained as the last.  She throws every possible guilt trip, nasty comment, anything she can possibly think of. 

The problem is, my amother still thinks of me as a child.  I shouldn’t even say a child, because a child she would love, and cuddle and nurture, lord knows I need these things more than anything.  She treats me like something she can control.   I understand being respectful, I have been taught to respect.  However, there is a large difference between respect and control.  My amother still thinks she can control me. 

Slowly, I am beginning to learn that she can’t.  Slowly I am beginning to learn that its ok for me to tell her I am not going to listen to her scream at me, and that I am hanging up now.  And when she calls me back screaming and crying like a baby? I can ignore that to. 

This is all hard for me, it is.  There are moments when I switch in between loving her because she is my mother, and looking at her for what she is, a stranger.  One that raised me.  My amother and I never really bonded.  We never really had any of those moments where I was just glad she was my mom.  I can’t remember a time when we did something where there wasn’t undercurrents of something else going on. 

She does try, it just seems that the trying only goes this teeny way, then next thing you know there is a blow up, which of course she is blaming me for. 

The saddest part about it?  I can’t help but blame myself for it as well.  At the bottom of my heart, I can’t help but keep thinking, if I could just be better at this, if I could just be a better person.  Maybe then, maybe then people would like me.  Maybe then I could get along with my mom.  Maybe then life would actually work out.  Thing is I am just so damn tired of trying!!! 

Most of all, I wish I could get it where I could like myself.  I guess thats where it all comes down to.  Life, adoption, the world, everything.  I wish I could like ME. 

But I don’t.  I try with that too, I try to show myself reasons.  But there is always something in the background giving me another reason why I suck. 

I guess its just the 101 reasons why I am not good enough.  Or perhaps it is hearing from my amom about how she wishes desperately that she just could have had children of her own, because her life would have been so much better then. 

And I guess thats just the biggest thing, how different even MY life would have been if my amom could have just had her own children.  Not me.