Sandpaper skin

Sometimes I wish that I could just spit out everything perfect, and it would come out as exactly what I want to say.

However, most of the time I am not that good… a lot of this may not make a lot of sense, but its my blog, and I will write what I wish. 

Life is interesting, it truly is… sometimes, a great many times, I wish I didn’t have to live it.  Why?  Because I don’t particularly like it. 

For some reason, I was born an emotional person, I wish I could take it back, wish I could fix it, but I can’t.  My emotions rub on me like a coarse grained sandpaper would rub on an infants skin.  Most days I am just rubbed raw. 

There are many periods when I am happy, genuinly happy, and I think all is well and worth it.  However, life doesn’t always work that way for me.  I am not always happy… yeah who is right? 

I am, however, different from most.  My brain just works differently.  Its what makes me unique, what makes me me, what makes me the person that I am.  What adds to my charm.  It also adds to my faults.  I just don’t function the way most people do.  Will I ever?  I am not sure. 

I wish there was some magic answer.  Some magic answer to life, to my head, to my rubbed raw skin that feels pain stronger than most can even imagine.  Most days I would rather have the physical pain than the mental that I deal with. 

I am trying, despiratly, to be able to live with two other girls.  Two other women I should say, my bsister, and my Mama L.   It isn’t always easy, and well, I am very easily reminded of my faults and inabilities when it comes to living with others.  I havn’t done it in a long time… I have lived blissfully by myself for four years… and in no where but my own mind for years and years before that.  I don’t do well with others, I should own a shirt that says doesn’t play well with others, because I just don’t. 

And I miss them like crazy when they aren’t here.  Its amazing how you can realize just how lonely you were before, when you aren’t lonely anymore.  Amazing how you can remember what it feels like to be lonely while still surrounded by people.  Amazing the emotional capability of human beings.   I guess I just wish I could stop being afraid, and I wish I knew the answers on how to make it all perfect.  

I wish I knew how to stop the sandpaper… how to not be rubbed so raw. 

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