If you had told me

If you had told me a year ago… that I would have met my nmom, fallen completely in love with her, and had her stop contact with me all in the space of a year… I would have cried. 

If you would have told me that I would have spent the day after her stopping contact with me still standing, I wouldn’t have believed you. 

However, I am standing… not only am I standing, but I am ok.  Really, truly and honestly ok. 

I laughed today… not about her, but about something funny.  I allowed myself to live, I allowed myself to be sad, but I didn’t let it overcome me. 

I allowed myself to be afraid, but didn’t let it rule me. 

I allowed myself to be self destructive, last night, and only realized that I was destructing the only true thing I can count on.  Myself. 

My Mama L responded to my last post in a way that really made me think.  Made me think about my faith, and my trust in life.  I discovered that I do have the ability to trust, I do.  Sometimes I am too afraid to admit it, but I do have trust. 

I have faith, I have faith that all of this is happening for a reason.  Mostly, I would love to throw myself on the ground, have a damn temper tantrum about how absolutely unfair all of this is.  How nothing in my life ever seems to go right.

However, that accomplishes nothing. 

Perhaps this all did happen for a reason. 

If life were perfect with my nmom, I don’t know if and when I would have sought out my ndad… don’t know when I would have found him, and my Mama L. 

Life wasn’t perfect with my nmom, far from.  I knew, pretty much from the day I met her, that our relationship was going to be an interesting one.  I was hoping it was going to be interesting for the better, however, it soon turned out it was interesting for the worst. 

I didn’t like the way I felt when I was with her… I suppose that is a pretty good indicator of how things are if you get jumpy driving up to someones house… and not jumpy in a good way, but jumpy in a bad way.  If there is that feeling of dread, like oh s*$t whats gonna happen this time.  That feeling always made me nervous, which always made every other emotion within me jump to its feet. 

She cannot be anyone but herself, and I cannot be anyone but myself.   If that combination doesn’t work, than I suppose I will have to accept that it doesn’t work. 

It breaks my heart, I am grieving for something that just never was, something that I wanted to be there, and just couldn’t be. 

I suppose my Mama L is right… everything happens for a reason, and this has got to happen for a reason.  Surprisingly enough, I trust that. 

After all, I don’t get jumpy when I drive up to Dad and Mama L’s house… its my house too, its just home.  I don’t get scared that every word I say, or thing I do, is going to be scrutinized or judged.  I don’t fear that what I say or do is going to be wrong.  I don’t fear that I am going to lose them.  Sure I fear it… but I don’t.  I know, deep in my heart, I know, they aren’t going anywhere. 

I thought I couldn’t live without my nmom in my life.

I realized I can live quite well without all the fears. 

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4 Comments

  1. Gershom said,

    August 16, 2007 at 12:42 am

    wow, i have been asking myself if i can trust all day long. testing, seeking, living in the moment of trust, and its SOO HARD. it hurts soo bad. I REALLY needed to read this. I am amazed at your strength, your core inner strength is SUCH the lesson i needed in this moment. thank you, and kudos to you because you are a strong woman.

  2. Lillie said,

    August 17, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    Oh Hon, good for you, you keep standing and keep strong.

    Even though it SUCKS major ass.

    This is not your fault, just like it wasn’t my fault that my mother did it to me over 10 years ago.

    Our mothers just don’t get what an incredible gift they are passing up on. Because our love for them is so powerful, yet they choose not to accept it.

    It’s sad, I feel sorry for them.

    But I love you!!!! (((((((( J ))))))))))

  3. justenjoyhim said,

    August 18, 2007 at 1:53 am

    Oh Jessie. I’m glad you have your dad and Mama L. Sorry things didn’t work out with Mama L.

  4. Justice said,

    August 18, 2007 at 2:58 am

    Hi Jessie,
    Trust. Trusting myself is my main issue. Trusting that I am worth being part of this universe. I am. That’s all. You too. We are.

    So your birthday is coming up? Or did I miss it? (((((((((((Jessie))))))))))))
    Cake, candles, love, music and furry soft comfort.


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