One side order of shoot me please

Why does everything have to suck?

Seriously, life sucks… people suck… people do things that fuck you up.  Next thing you know you are living in a hell, and guess what, the hell is your own mind.  

I get to live in my own personal hell.   I never, ever get to leave it.  I never, ever get to say… ok me, Im gonna take a vacation from myself now… be back in a few days.

I live in my own personal Hell.  I have for years now.  Its a culmination of everything that has happened to me in life.  Everything from my verbally abusive amother to my sexually abusive cousin, not to mention my best friends sexually abusive brother.. oh I have one of those too.   From being disliked in school, having my self esteem put into a shredder to the point where I couldn’t even recognize it anymore, to having just about no one, no friends, nothing at all.  It all made me the person that I am today. 

God damn it if I hate me. 

Yes I will admit it, I hate me… despise myself, more than anyone else on the face of this planet.  I hate me.  Trying to function when you hate the very person you are is tough. 

I don’t hate me nearly as much as I used to.  But hate me none the less… and why the hell not?  No one else seems to like me, why the hell should I bother? 

I talked to my nmom today.  I talked to her in hopes, in prayers, that we could come to something.  Am I stupid enough to think that something would be even close to rainbows and butterflies? Hell no.  I hoped I could talk to her.  I hoped I could email her about Lindsay Lohans latest stupid stunts… or about how my cat is still sick and I don’t know what to do. 

That I am scared shitless of whats going on medically with me.

Even just about the stupid things my bunny did today. 

Something… anything.  I miss her. 

Mostly I just didn’t want to spend my 25th birthday knowing who the hell she is, and what the hell my birthday means, but not with her. 

I’m not going to get my birthday wish this year. 

Funny that was one of the first things I thought of when I met her… I am actually going to get to spend my birthday with the woman who gave birth to me.  

And for the trillionth time, just sitting here wishing that I could be someone else… anyone else. 

Sitting here knowing that I have spent years in therapy, years working my ass off, trying to get better, trying to be better. 

Years and years just to discover that there are things I can change, and things I can’t.  I can’t be anyone but me. 

Unfortunately me is just a little too…. God I don’t even know.  I guess thats the worst part.  I don’t even understand what the hell is so freaking wrong with me that my own god damned mother can’t even stand to be around me. 

Don’t understand why the hell I manage to make so many mistakes through the midst of trying so hard NOT to make any. 

I guess the best things I can do is count my blessings, count the good things I have in life. 

I have my Dad, my Dad, my other pea in the pod.  My Mama L.  My sister E. all the things I inherited when I met my Dad.  The sense of security, of home, of love.  I count those blessings and think, alright, perhaps life isn’t that bad. 

But damn if it doesn’t hurt. 

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2 Comments

  1. MamaL said,

    August 14, 2007 at 8:37 am

    Melon,
    You know I would take the pain away if I could. But along with the blessings there is always some pain to endure. If you look at it as a test of faith you will see it was suppose to be like this. You’re in a valley right now but when you come up the to mountaintop and look back at the valley you will be able to see what a blessing you’re valley experience really was. (Sorry to be so preachy)
    Love ya, Melon !
    Love
    Me

  2. joy21 said,

    August 21, 2007 at 1:41 am

    Oh I just saw this Oh Jessie.

    You are a lovely young woman. Some really unfair things have happened to you, but PLEASE step away from the self-hate talk, you deserve love, you deserve self-love.

    lots of love to you

    JOYJOY


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