Fear and Trust

How do you begin to let go of things you have held onto for years. 

How do you begin to let go of the fears, the strings, the struggles that are doing nothing but holding you back?

How do you begin to trust, when trust is the one thing you fear the most? 

I mean really, trust. 

That’s what it all comes down to isn’t it.  All my issues, all my fears, they all boil down to trust.  Trust in others, trust in myself. 

My Mama L. and I were talking, just about everything and I sort of realized that most of everything in my life comes down to one thing… trust… and my inability to do it. 

I have always had issues with trust, and I suppose for some, they would say its an adoptee issue… does seem to be.  Probably started with that, and went from there. 

I was such a little liar, always was, even as a kid.  Told stories pretty much since I could talk.  I learned over the years the value of honesty, but not before my trust in pretty much anything was ever destroyed.  No one trusted me, and I trusted no one, including myself. 

There has been so much in my life that has taught me not to trust, not to allow myself the little bit of luxury that allows two people to connect on a level that is so much more than the every day. 

Still even now, even though I know the value of honesty I still find it hard to trust anything, even my own self. 

I guess most of all I just don’t trust that I am worth it.  I don’t trust that I am worth all the things that I know I can be.  Its so silly, I know that.  Its so much easier for me to believe all the bad things, so much easier for me to say, oh yeah, I am just screwed up.  Instead of just admitting that I am different and there is nothing wrong with that. 

So what, I think differently, so what, my mind works in a different way than others do.  Yeah I have had my fair share of issues but that is so much different than this.  I have always known there was something different about me.  I guess it was just easier to think it was bad, wrong, stupid, silly… crazy. 

However, telling myself that its ok is easier said than done.  Letting go of all of the things inside, letting go of the walls, the things that hold me back. 

I don’t want to spend my life in fear, I don’t want to fear every new relationship I have, fear every new person I meet, fear connection, fear relationships. 

Fear life.

I even fear those who love me.  Even though I know deep down that its indestructible, I fear anyway.  

However, I know I need to let go of it… I know I do.  Its not needed, and I can’t live my life in fear. 

I just wish I knew some easy way to let it go, stop the fear, learn to trust. 

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4 Comments

  1. angel said,

    August 8, 2007 at 11:19 pm

    I have trust issues too! Sometimes I don’t even trust myself (usually when chocolate is involved!!) I never equated that to ‘adoption’, but more experiences in my life – or being burnt by people.

    There are a few people that I can trust with some things, but there’s nobody that I would place complete trust in.

    I don’t know that fear ever stops, but maybe I have become better at feeling fear and doing whatever it is regardless.

    x

  2. MamaL said,

    August 9, 2007 at 8:29 am

    Melon
    You are WORTH it and AMAZING to top if off. It’s like the cherry on top of an ice cream sundae.
    Love ya!!!

  3. najah said,

    August 9, 2007 at 11:37 am

    trust has always been a huge issue for me also (and I’m not adopted, for what it’s worth). Truth telling has also been an issue, I went from telling wild stories as a kid/teen to just not saying much of anything. People then described me as “private” and “hard to get to know”. Gradually I’ve come to find out that in most cases, even if people turn out to not be trustworthy it’s not so bad. The worst thing that happens is they repeat my (honest) opinions or feelings to people I hadn’t planned to share with, but guess what? The thoughts/feelings/opinions are me, so maybe that person gets to know me a little better after all. And if they don’t like it maybe they don’t really like me….. That and a back up plan. I always have a backup in mind (who can I call for a ride if the person who said they would do it doesn’t show up, where would I go if my marriage blew up, etc.). As long as I know there are options I can feel safe.

  4. najah said,

    August 9, 2007 at 11:39 am

    oh, meant to add on the subject of is it or is it not an adoptee isssue, as stated I’m not adopted, but my dd is and she and I have talked about her feeling the same way, this need to keep a bit of ourselves to ourselves.


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