Love em anyway

Life as an adoptee…

Someone else can have it, because I just don’t want it anymore. 

Mostly I just wish the emotionalness of everything would just stop.  I know why it was impossible for me and my nmom to get along.  She doesn’t do emotion, and by nature this whole freaking thing is just tooo tooooo emotional. 

I am just too too emotional.  In all reality, I am going on eleven months now that it hasn’t stopped.  I wish I could take a break from the fact that I am a lost child.  I wish I could take back to the times when being an adoptee didn’t matter to me.  I can’t.  I just can’t, it will not go away. 

Everything is just so overwhelming, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breathe in months.  Now I just sit here, in my Dads house, my real Dads house, and I just wonder.  How the hell did I end up here.  What chances in life must we go through in order to end up in this situation, as I am sitting in right now.  I wish I knew how to make all the thoughts stop, I just can’t. 

I still just look at him, just look at him and keep saying in my head… this is him.  This is your Dad, this is where you belong.  The emptiness you had, this is it.  Its almost as if part of me just can’t believe it, can’t accept that its for real.  Can’t grasp the fact that this really is my life, I really am real, I really am here, and this really is my Dad.  Sometimes I just look at him, because I can.  Because I know, because he is there.  I wonder, what parts of me are him, and what parts of me aren’t.  I look like my mother, but I have a lot of him in my heart… of the two, I am glad I got his heart.  I love his heart, I just love him.  It still just doesn’t feel real!

It makes everything emotional, I am pretty good at not showing it, but its emotional none the less.  I am still trying to find the room to place it.  I so wish it were easy to place it. 

Yet I still feel like the lost child, its such a crappy feeling, I hate it.  Even though I am found, its different, it isn’t the same.  I am not a little girl anymore, no matter how much of one I feel like inside.  I am a grown up, I should be having grown up thoughts.  Those just don’t come.  They are locked up somewhere in my mind, just as the lost little girl was locked up somewhere so many years ago, just waiting for her acceptance letter to life.   Maybe because its just so hard to accept this all as real. 

Maybe because I am still afraid of that ball, that ball that could drop any second. 

My Mama L. told me to listen to a song, she told me that it made her think of me, and everything going on right now. 

Martina McBride’s Do it Anyway….

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love em anyway

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. kim.kim said,

    August 5, 2007 at 11:36 am

    My last post was inspired by your situation. I’m glad you have your dad and his wife right now and I’m sorry that your mother has disappointed you. It can’t be easy.

  2. Elizabeth said,

    August 5, 2007 at 2:37 pm

    Sometimes I still feel like a lost child. and I’m 37.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: