At least I have my hope

God why does it have to be so hard?

Why were humans given the ability to love, when it freaking hurts so much. 

Why do we even have mothers… if they are just going to give us away?  If they are just going to leave because its easier than dealing with the pain?

Everything adoption is such a trigger to me right now.  I don’t even want to think about it, look at it, anything.  It hurts, it sucks and I am tired of it. 

I wish I was never adopted, most days I wish I had just never been born. 

Oh yes sure, I can be optimistic, but some moments are better than others.  Some moments I am perfectly ok with things the way they are.  Others I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. 

I don’t know what is so defective about me.  I don’t understand why it has to be so hard.  Why is it that everything has to be hard when it comes to love? 

I suppose that I am lucky, oh I am lucky.  I know this.  I have a family, I finally have a place where I fit.  I finally have a place that I truly call ‘home’ in every sense of the word.  Emotional most of all.  A place where I don’t feel like an outcast, like an inconvenience, like anything.  I just feel like me.  And me is just accepted. 

I am grateful, I am happy, happier than I could ever imagine being. 

But why does it take 24 years?  Almost 25. 

Almost 25.  I guess maybe thats where this motion is coming from.  My 25th birthday is in 23 days. 

I don’t even know if my nmom will be around to celebrate it with me. 

For the first birthday of my life, I know who she is, and I don’t even know if she is going to be there. 

For the first birthday of my life, I know who I am, where I came from, where I belong. 

25

A quarter of a century is a long time to not know your roots, to not know where you came from, or where you belong. 

A quarter of a century is a long time to have spent wondering, wishing for something different, and never quite getting it. 

I can just hope, that the next quarter of a century turns out better than these ones. 

In a lot of ways, I have a lot of hope.  I have found a family, where I belong.  I have found my faith, I have found myself. 

So perhaps it wont be so bad after all.  Doesn’t make it all hurt any less sometimes though. 

Hope doesn’t make the pain go away.

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6 Comments

  1. Possum said,

    August 2, 2007 at 7:06 am

    I think you’re going to be OK Miss J.
    You’ve come through a tornado.
    And you’re still standing.
    Wounded – yes – but still standing.
    Biggest hugs sweetie.
    Poss. xxx

  2. fallenfayrie said,

    August 2, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    Yeah I am going to be ok Poss, and just realizing that is amazing to me sometimes.
    I am still standing, and I am loved.
    Thanks

  3. Gershom said,

    August 3, 2007 at 2:50 am

    (((Huge hugs to you))))

  4. Gershom said,

    August 3, 2007 at 2:53 am

    And so much more, I know exactly how you feel. You didn’t deserve it, i’m sorry. It hurts. 😦

  5. Theresa said,

    August 3, 2007 at 5:33 pm

    I found you! Your new diggs are beautiful. Like you.

  6. Julie said,

    August 5, 2007 at 12:18 am

    Oh how I hate the Anniversary Reaction. I’m so sorry, my friend. It sucks. None of us deserved it.


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