Is reunion worth it?

The lovely Possum’s blog got me thinking today… Is reunion worth it. 

Is it? 

I can’t say that it isn’t.  But its hard… its freaking harder than Hell on earth. 

Especially when what seems so easy, turns into something that so much isn’t. 

My reunion hasn’t been easy, in fact, its been down right hard.  I think the worst thing about it is all the pain.  No one every told me that it was going to be this painful. 

Sure I had a clue, sure thats why I was so leery of just calling up my nmom and saying Hi.   It was nerve wracking… I understand why. 

At this moment, my nmom and I aren’t even speaking.  It is of my choice as much as it is just a sense of it needs to go to rest.  It needs to be at peace, and I, more than anything else, just need some time to breathe. 

I never imagined, even just a few months ago, that I would ever be able to walk away from anyone, much less her.  She is my MOTHER for god sakes!!!  My Mother, the woman who gave birth to me.  The woman who I love more than life in itself. 

And I walked away… and well, she walked away back. 

Can’t say that I blame her. 

I wish, a million times over, that I was somehow a better person, that I could somehow be someone else. 

That I could have somehow fit the person she wanted me to be.  Perhaps she thinks the same thing, perhaps not.  Unfortunately I don’t know. 

All I know is it is impossible to connect with someone who is unwilling to connect, and for me… it is impossible to have a relationship with someone who means so much to me on such a superficial level. 

Am I sad, oh hell yes.  More than I can even describe, I miss her more than I think I would miss oxygen sometimes.  But at the same time I feel this relief.  No more worries… no more wondering whether or not I am doing the right thing, whether or not I am saying too much, or saying too little.  Whether or not what I AM saying is in fact going to somehow create an argument.  Whether or not the arguments I create are the right ones. 

Needless to say, reunion for me hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake. 

The fact of it is, being in reunion brought on so many emotions that I don’t know if I was expecting, or ready to handle.  I suppose that I was ready, must have been, as I believe that God will not hand us more than we can manage, but handling all the feelings that came with adoption was certainly more than I expected! 

I wasn’t expecting to feel so much, I wasn’t expecting it to hurt to much.  Unfortunately emotions have created the mess that I now find myself in. 

On the flip side, I am lucky.  I am so damned lucky I can’t even begin to express.  Through the pain, through the suffering, through every tear that I have shed, I have finally found my place, my family. 

For every trial with my nmom, there has been triumph with my ndad.  I even inherited a mother… she likes to say by osmosis.  My Mama L.   She is quite amazing if I must say so myself. 

Of course there is always that fear… that crippling fear that I am learning to handle.  Something I am learning to put in its place, and trust in my instincts. 

Even my gifts… I have those as well.  My gifts I got from osmosis from my Mama L.  My empathy and my intuition.

So I have to say, is reunion worth it?  I don’t know… for me it has been something of an extreme learning experience.  In the past year I have grown, changed, and become someone I didn’t even know was possible.  I have discovered pieces of myself that have been missing for years, if I ever had them at all.  

For those looking to reunite, I only have one piece of advice. 

Be prepared… know that what you are searching for may not be what you find.  Whether you are looking for your mother, your father, you daughter or son.  You may find what you are looking for, and you may not.  I have learned from a great many stories, that so often, what we are searching for is not what we find. 

However, if you look hard enough, and deep enough within yourself, you may find something you never expected. 

Take from the experiences, the good, and the bad.  For they are all there… in the darkest of dark places, a window is open, even when every other door has been shut in your face.  You just have to look, sometimes harder than others. 

I wish for all that reunion was fair, that life was fair.  However, it just never seems to work out that way in the end.